bubububble:

i had just signed on to write a little about some anxiety i’ve been experiencing since before coming to smith, and i saw this and thought it fit. i thought that maybe my anxiousness was just me being nervous about returning to school, but it’s still here, and i’ve successfully returned. so. i guess what i’m noticing/experiencing/(imagining?) is this really subtle and pervasive feeling of competition among a fair number of people i’ve met here. the people who i feel most comfortable around are the people who aren’t scrutinizing me, and don’t scrutinize themselves — they’re just interacting and existing and studying and other stuff. but i feel like i’m constantly being sized up. and i feel like i’m not up to standard. i got invited to two parties this weekend, and i know that’s only because we have a mutual acquaintance - not because i fit the bill. and the pressure i’d feel if i went, to be funny and witty and pretty and interesting all at once, is really hard. it makes me feel like i’m gonna burst, or crumble.

i can’t be expected to perform. please please please don’t make me. i’ll read my books and write my essays and talk to you like another person, but not as someone i’m trying to out do, not as someone who i’d like to threaten because i’m threatened.

oh, and another thing - don’t think that just because i don’t want to compete, and i don’t want to be scrutinized, that i don’t have self-esteem. i do. i just don’t feel the need to use it to fuck with other people’s heads, or to throw my social weight around. i just refuse to be performing all the time for you.

(also via lilichka, loveandzombies, girlsbooksfoodartlove,
mymuffinroared, dtron, syrupandhoney)